Information Landmine

"The Americans keep telling us how successful their system is. Then they remind us not to stray too far from our hotel at night." - An un-named EU trade representative quoted during international trade talks in Denver, Colorado, 1997.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

World Cup Liveblog

3:00 - Presumably everyone does this. The twist in my case, of course, is that I know fuck all about it. In fact the main reason I'm blogging this is that BBC News 24 are making it impossible to avoid. In a weird Big Brother "watch twats watching telly on your telly" moment they're showing me people watching the game all over the country. Kellogg's head office in Manchester looks like its full of wacky characters.

3:05 Strikes me that I must be the only person in the country who doesn't know who more than half these people are. I recognise James, Rooney, Terry etc. but who the fuck is James Milner?

3:07 Apparently the ref's famous for not giving England players cards.

3:09 Even I can see that Wayne Rooney is pretty bloody good at this.

3:13 Am I the only one who thinks that Frank Lampard looks like famous Jesus impersonator Jim Caviezel?

3:14 Google says I'm not.

3:22 Defoe scores, right after the commentator gives a load of statistics about how Defoe never scores when he starts with Rooney.

3:24 The replay shows him pulling a Garth Brooks-style "I'm pumped!" jump in as he does it. Clever.

27.30 - My more football savvy fiancée points out that I should probably do it in terms of minutes and seconds, thus introducing a huge dilemma about whether I take that from when I start typing, or when I finish.

29.35 News just in. God actually doesn't love a trier.

30.40 The f says that this is just Slovenia playing badly. I think I'm meant to explain the off-side rule now, but might fuck it up.

33.02 "You can't do anything useful unless you've got a player or the ball in front of you."

34.00 The goalie does not count as a player for this definition.

37.00 Commentator: "It is England, don't forget." I'm unclear about the significance of this.

38.00 George Osborne's nefarious "Take your jobs while you're busy watching the World Cup" plan may yet work.

42:00 Those vuvuzela's are getting pretty annoying. In all the creative excuses being made for England's shit first two games, did anyone try claiming that Wayne Rooney had mellisophobia?

Half time: Everyone's sounding very triumphalist all of a sudden. What's the betting that England still find a way to screw the pooch?

The US-Algeria game should be set to Benny Hill music.

Ah, apparently Milner was the guy who did the cross. So now I know.

46.02: Was quite worried there until I realised they'd changed halves.

47: Glen Johnson fucked some guy up in the first half and got away with it, then got elbowed in the face and got a yellow card for his troubles. So I think this ref just likes violence, more than England players.

58.00 This is all pretty exciting. I can see why people watch it.

67.15 No Benny Hill for David James. He seems to be hearing the Matrix soundtrack.

78.12 My lady friend informs me that "They're just dicking around now." I'm inclined to agree.

93.00 Well, that's that.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So good, you now have to do it for the Germany game on Sunday. I think you secretly enjoyed it too.

24 June, 2010 18:15  

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